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It's been almost one year since Ryan Reynolds joined Twitter, and a little over a year since he and wife Blake Lively welcomed their daughter to the world. Over the course of the past twelve months, he's sent precisely 493 tweets, slowly developing his "dad voice." Like the internet equivalent of khaki pants, Reynolds' Twitter yelps "Netflix and Chill!" It declares things "Squad-Goals," capitalized and hyphenated. It uses brand-sponsored hashtags. It will not stop promoting a movie that isn't coming out for another two months. Here, 25 of his most egregious dad tweets of the year, annotated by the collective embarrassed teen that lives within us all and soon — if the universe is to remain balanced — his own daughter:
1. dad gross
Happy birthday to my baby girl! Sad I lost my virginity. But thankful I have a daughter.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) December 16, 2015
2. adele's album came out like a million years ago
The taxi driver switched off Adele -- mid song. Either his life is perfect, or he has three days to live. No middle ground there.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) December 22, 2015
3. "Busted the Internet" omg dad seriously stop
Apologies! Deadpool emoji busted the Internet. I called @BillGates and he hasn't returned my call. Mainly, because I don't have his number.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) December 22, 2015
4. What even is deadpool
WOW. This is an ACTUAL chat between #Deadpool & @KimKardashian that totally didn't happen. pic.twitter.com/kLutGDG2ki
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) December 22, 2015
5. no
Happy Holidays from the Wilsons! (Frustrated by the type size? Shoulda joined https://t.co/bxXVnAgN5X. #NoSympathy) pic.twitter.com/QZ76zsjbiB
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) December 20, 2015
6. what
This sweater is like wearing a coffin made entirely out of adorable. #12DaysOfDeadpool pic.twitter.com/Wa5ZU7LWIg
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) December 18, 2015
7. *Hurls self into traffic*
Whoa! When I said, "Netflix and Chill" to my Mom, that's ALL I REALLY MEANT... I just want to watch programs on Netflix and make love.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) December 3, 2015
8. maybe stop
So cute. Asked my mom out to lunch and she yelled, "Squad-Goals!". I laughed pretty hard before never ever seeing her again.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) October 21, 2015
9. Oh my god
I'd walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it's dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) September 11, 2015
10. omg no
I don't always drink beer. But when I do... Most people feel quite strongly I shouldn't. Stay thirsty my friend. #rejectedbeercommercial
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) December 10, 2015
11. are we really doing this again
I don't always drink beer. But when I do... I honestly can't stop. Stay thirsty, my friend. #rejectedbeercommercial
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) December 10, 2015
12. ....
I don't always drink beer. But when I do... it's suddenly 31 years later. Stay thirsty, my friend. #rejectedbeercommercial
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) December 10, 2015
13. are you done
I don't always drink beer. But when I do... I'm a licensed commercial airline pilot. Stay thirsty my friend. #rejectedbeercommercial
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) December 10, 2015
14. literally who has said that even ever
I don't like the expression "pissing rain". Because if it was actually urine, it would totally ruin movies like The Notebook.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 31, 2015
15. that's actually gross dad
Got totally messed up on probiotics last night and digested the fuck out of dinner. Having a kid doesn't stop this party train.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 28, 2015
16. they're not
I wonder if sharks are huddled up underwater, scared shitless while watching Human Week.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) July 23, 2015
17. omg dad seriously get a hobby
Paint one mural of Zayn on the hood of your car using gold leaf and real hair, and suddenly you're "obsessed".
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) July 9, 2015
18. *stabs eyes with fork*
I used the expression "no chill" at dinner last night and my brother demanded to know if I was a virgin.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 30, 2015
19. um rude
My daughter's only 6 months old and already drawing. I'd hang it on the fridge but honestly, it's absolute garbage.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 19, 2015
20. ugh
They should make fingerless latex gloves. For stylish doctors.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 15, 2015
21. did you seriously photohtop this dad
The night started exactly as planned. But I take full responsibility for the denim condom. It was a mistake. pic.twitter.com/Uy1hXD34Bb
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) March 15, 2015
22. words with friends are you literally 87
I love Words With Friends. Because once you start playing, the next time you look up, another Olympics has come and gone.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) March 10, 2015
23. this doesnt even make sense
When asked what color the dress is, I like to remind people that it's not even by the loosest definition, a dress... It's Hell.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) March 1, 2015
24. cool humblebrag dad
People keep thanking me for getting Deadpool made. I didn't get it made. YOU did. The internet put Fox in a hammerlock death-grip. #sayuncle
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) February 20, 2015
25. have you even heard of the internet
Bear with me. Learning. Is there a way to make tweets appear normal, instead of raised velveteen lettering?
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) November 27, 2014