Who Even Are the 'Cool Kids' Sitting on Saint Laurent's Runway?

Racked is no longer publishing. Thank you to everyone who read our work over the years. The archives will remain available here; for new stories, head over to Vox.com, where our staff is covering consumer culture for The Goods by Vox. You can also see what we’re up to by signing up here.

Yesterday, Saint Laurent presented a collection that won't do much for Hedi Slimane's reputation as a designer, but will probably make a big dent in the pockets of his targeted consumer. For the occasion, Slimane lined up a bunch of "cool kids" to sit on the floor for his presentation lest anyone forget who Slimane is shilling to these days. The New York Times has only vaguely referred to this group as Slimane's "cool kid pals," a sentiment echoed by the Wall Street Journal's fashion market director. These are clearly Very Important Customers and probably brand ambassadors, but who are they as individuals when they're not just a blur of cool decorating a runway?  We investigated*:

A. Bravely picked up her life to move from the mean streets of SoHo to an only partially-furnished loft in Silverlake, Los Angeles, where she serendipitously met Slimane at a green juice restaurant. Yes, restaurant.

B. Slimane's personal shopper at his local Hot Topic.

C. Professional muse and the woman who told Slimane that his new "grunge" tiara "could be worn with anything."

D. A "Vibes" curator. His business card boasts he "Will get your vibes right, or whatever." Curation: $500. Vibes Overhaul: $1000.

E. An aesthetic historian, with a concentration in "dope" rock-n-roll looks from the '60s and '70s.

F. Doesn't know the definition of the word aesthetic, uses it anyway.

G. Has never sat criss-cross-applesauce in his life, and doesn't plan to start today.

H. Is secretly Cathy Horyn, who was banned from SL's shows, in perfect disguise.

I. Threw out all his A&F polos in 2010 after "having an epiphany about corporate evil and greed." Now only wears black and his $5,000 Saint Laurent biker jacket.

J. Took one MFA creative writing class after watching Girls. Dropped out after one class, declaring himself "above it." Also, dead inside.

K. A self-professed "up-and-coming Periscope star."

L. Runs a famous Instagram account that posts pictures of people working on their screenplays at Starbucks.

M. Professional DJ exclusively for Instagram famous pets. He spins ambient animal noises and "hand-recorded" outdoor "$oundz."

N. The real-life inspiration from Bill Hader's Stefon character. Has already told everyone about the party at HERoine! afterwards, which has everything from Mick Jagger impersonators to Paris's famous plaid people.

*Investigated = Made up completely.