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Crucial Update

This Is Your Winter Fashion Pass

When winter descends, all should stay in doors with Netflix and non-perishables until the first signs of spring. But if you must leave your home, you deserve (and probably require) a fashion pass, excusing you from the burden of dressing like a functioning member of society, and not like an old mattress. When the thermometer dips below freezing, whip out one of the helpful examples below.

By Kenzie Bryant
Photo: Jupiter Images/Getty Images

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Dear Mom,

Please allow Jen to come to dinner at grandma's wearing that. Socks with heels never hurt anyone and some consider sweatsuits very "in" right now.

Thanks for your understanding,

Jen

Dear coworker drinks attendees,

Please excuse Jen from dressing like a person. She will arrive encased in a single, giant Ugg boot. Just pour the cocktails inside the boot.

Thanks,

Jen

Dear Tinder date,

Please excuse Jen from wearing pants. She'll continue to wear the leggings with multiple crotch holes on this date. That's not like a sex thing. You're lucky this is happening at all.

Best,

Jen

Dear fellow public transportation passengers,

Please excuse Jen for appearing to have bobbed for apples in a bucket of Aquaphor. There were no apples involved.

Kindest regards,

Jen


Dear dinner party host and her guests,

Please excuse Jen from trying to decipher the words "casual cocktail" on your invite. She'll show up in a knee-length sweater under a down comforter over long underwear lined with a thin layer of petroleum jelly. It's 8 degrees tonight. Judgement freezes at 22 degrees.

Thanks so much,

Jen

Dear fellow dance club participants,

Please excuse Jen from the onus of wearing heels, tights, a dress, and whatever else is appropriate in dance-y situations. She'll survive the night by crawling into a freshly deceased horse carcass with Leonardo Dicaprio.

Looking forward to it!

Jen

Dear judge and jury,

Please excuse Jen in general, as she's wearing the gloves, hats, scarves, ponchos, footwear, and coats gathered from all the people who look cute in snowy environs on Pinterest, whom she's systematically murdered.

Regards,

Jen

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