Hunting in Soho for a Non-White, Non-Boring Summer Dress

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I can’t truly express how last Saturday’s shopping trip went without experiencing acute PTSD, but I’ll try. TL;DR, I went to every store in Soho — not really, but you know — looking for a non-white, non-plunging, non-boring summer dress for a relatively tall, relatively large-boobed person to wear to a relatively fancy outdoor family function (specifically, a rehearsal dinner). Here’s how it went down:

Reformation: Either too expensive or too slutty. (For the occasion, not for real life!!)

Topshop: Either too fancy, not fancy enough, or clearly merchandise from last winter.

Mango: Oh man, that store is depressing right now.

Zara: The fitting room line made me want to leave New York City for good and live on a farm where my nearest neighbor is 1,000 miles away.

Forever 21: The rehearsal dinner is taking place on a lake in Vermont and not a 15-year-old’s beach-themed birthday party, so nothing worked.

Urban Outfitters: Not even close to fancy enough.

H&M: Surprisingly disappointing selection at the moment. Ditto with & Other Stories and COS.

Bloomingdale’s: Either too expensive or too boring.

The biggest problem at all of these stores, however? EVERY DAMN SUNDRESS IS WHITE.

At this point, the only thing I wanted to buy was an orange mango pineapple sorbet from Morgenstern’s, so I did. (It was delicious.) Then I went back home and ended up ordering this yellow off-the-shoulder dress from good ol’ Asos anyway. The day they build an IRL Asos in New York City is the day I will weep with joy.